The Offbeat Bride: Jennie, Science Educator/Professional Geek

Her offbeat partner: Mary, Data Guru

Date and location of wedding: Woolman Hill Quaker Retreat Center, Deerfield, Massachusetts - July 19, 2014

Our offbeat wedding at a glance: We wanted a heartfelt, a capella ceremony officiated by a friend in a Hawaiian shirt (a Hawaiian wedding shirt, he would be quick to point out!). The reception was a picnic with excellent pizza, beer, and ice cream. There were no toasts since we'd rather sing, enjoy the sunshine, and sleep over. It felt like garden-party, grown-up summer camp.

In pursuit of simplicity and authenticity, we started from scratch, and made almost everything ourselves including our decorations, picnic blankets, my dress, and Mary's accessories. This thoughtful thriftiness meant that we could rent a venue for the whole weekend, with housing for our guests. We had lots of time for everyone there, whether at the picnic, around the bonfire, or at brunch the next morning.

Since we met through Sacred Harp singing, a community folk tradition, we also wanted to celebrate in the way that was most authentic to our friends - by singing! We invited anyone who wanted to come to this part of the wedding to show up, sing, and snack on some leftover ice cream, and asked a friend to teach a short "singing school" to orient any non-singing friends and family to the tradition.

Instead of "I do," we asked each other "will you do this work with me?"

Tell us about the ceremony:
Our ceremony was adapted from the traditional Protestant ceremony: welcome, declaration of intent, community affirmation, vows, kiss. Within that structure, though, we wrote our declarations and promises ourselves, sharing what about the other brought us there today (silliness! snark! determination! kindness!) and committing in our vows to the "work of love." It was important to us that we be honest and real; we'd never use the language of soulmates and true love to describe our relationship, relating much more to the idea of deliberate and willful love. Instead of "I do," we asked each other "will you do this work with me?" Here is the full excerpt:

"With sure and solemn joy I choose you to be my partner, my lover, and my best friend. I offer you my love today and all the days of my life, and promise to bring my best self into the work of love. I will build with you a life founded on trust and supported by respect, sustained by compassion and strengthened through shared adventure, a life in which there is always space for gratitude and growth, for silliness and celebration. I will do this work when it is easy and when it is hard, through poverty and plenty, in sickness and in health, during times of sorrow and times of joy. Will you do this work with me?"

Since we're not religious, we searched for traditions that honored our commitment and our future in a way that was authentic. We passed our rings before our vows to be blessed, and sang several songs from the Sacred Harp. To acknowledge our promise and our family and friends as our witnesses, we also included the Quaker tradition of a wedding contract, signed by the couple and their guests. Our contract was a beautiful gift from two of our friends, who collaborated on the art and calligraphy, and used our vows as the basis for the text.

Our biggest challenge:
At our wedding, we had several different communities coming together: family and friends, Sacred Harp singers and Morris dancers, hippies and hipsters - and we wanted to make sure that everyone felt welcome and comfortable participating in our ceremony and celebration. And since it was a small wedding, we didn't want anyone to feel left out or isolated. We deputized our friends to be our representatives, to welcome folks staying the weekend, marshal the dancers, and teach a beginning singing school so that everyone could participate in the singing in the afternoon. The result was a beautiful blending of communities, and everyone was relaxed, including us!

My favorite moment:
My sister opened the singing with a heartfelt reflection on what it meant to come together to sing in celebration of our marriage, and that was when it hit me - not only had we made the choice to commit our lives to one another, our community had rallied together to witness and support that choice. Experienced singers and friends who had never sung a note came together, and every song and every smile felt like an offering and an affirmation. We felt so loved, and so grateful.

That night, we built a bonfire and enjoyed beer floats and leftover pizza with our overnight guests. Stargazing and chatting with them was a beautiful way to take a first step into the other side of our lives together - the ordinary, everyday friendship and joy that we hoped to carry forward, and that would mark our lives (even when we weren't the center of attention). Even the very determined mosquitos couldn't take away from it!

My funniest moment:
During our ceremony, we passed our wedding rings to be blessed by our family and friends, and we planned on singing a favorite song while they passed. We made copies of the song, and had a good representation of singers, but we miscalculated how long it would take to pass the rings! My sister, who was helping us with the laid-back logistics of the ceremony, led our guests in four impromptu choruses at the end, until the rings got around... and we stopped laughing.

What was the most important lesson you learned from your wedding?
Friendship makes the world go round, and friends make a wedding work! Since our wedding was pretty do-it-yourself and we were planning from across the country, our friends set up chairs and did dishes, helped make our decorations and designed our invitations, planned the singing, and rolled with any surprises or snafus. We emerged from our celebration deeply grateful for our loving and beloved friends, and for having the kinds of relationships with our communities where we felt comfortable asking for their help and support to make our wedding possible.

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