I never considered myself the sort of guy who's easily hurt or offended. Although I'm not the macho-type, the dude who watches football every weekend and downs a few beers after work, I'm also not smelling flowers every morning and penning poems late into the night. But these are stupid stereotypes and say little about anyone other than their interests.

Regardless, I've always seen myself as emotionally stable, like a coastline unmoved against crashing waves.

But then I got married -- and suddenly my rock solid, emotionally-impenetrable self-image collided with reality. The smallest slights became personal attacks. Careless words became personal offenses. Unintentional acts became personal assaults. Everything felt deeply personal.

Oatmeal, eggs, and a gunshot to my soul
Here's one example. I often make breakfast for my wife and me in the morning. It's nothing fancy, just oatmeal and eggs. And honestly, I've never thought of it as anything other than part of my normal morning routine. I do it because we need to eat -- not because I expect anything in return.

But the other weekend, I found myself deeply hurt after my wife took a bite of her oatmeal before I joined her at the table. I know it seems small, but in the moment, I felt like I'd taken a gunshot to my soul.

Without thinking, I expressed outrage and demanded an apology. Unsurprisingly, I didn't immediately get one -- perhaps because my response was itself an attack, hurting my wife's feelings, leaving us both wounded.

Broken people easily break
In every argument between spouses (or parents, siblings, friends, and even coworkers), there comes a time when, after an initial offense, the "victim" responds. Unless that person is Mother Theresa or for some reason unable to express themselves (perhaps due to their own fears and insecurities), the response is almost always disproportionate to the perceived wrong. He or she reacts at a level 9 when a level 3 would be more appropriate.

There will be a raised voice instead of a calm explanation. There will be anger instead of restraint. There will be inflexibility instead of compromise. There will be outrage instead of moderation.

If you think about it, the reason is obvious. We're all broken people, and broken people easily break. Put another way, each of us has emotional wounds that have accumulated over the years -- throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. And these wounds, when unresolved, are like landmines. You can't see them until they explode beneath you.

Close your eyes and hold your breath
So what do you do when you feel like you're under attack? How should you respond when someone you love says an unkind word or slights you or acts disrespectfully? How should you react when your feeling are hurt and your heart demands justice?

You should say and do nothing. Like an ocean wave pummeling atop you, close your eyes and hold your breath while the waters recede and the currents calm. And in that moment, process your thoughts and emotions.

Consider the other person. Have they intentionally hurt you, or have they simply committed an oversight? Reflect on your pain. Is it commensurate to the perceived wrong, or is it amplified by something in your past? And think about your response. Will it express grace and understanding, or will it compound the tension and provoke an argument?

The counterintuitive rule of love
In every instance, a loving response is better than a response based in pain.

The result is nothing short of miraculous. It's like defusing a bomb. The carnage and wreckage that nearly resulted is made impossible. Not only will it likely lead to what you ultimately want -- an acknowledgement of carelessness or insensitivity or wrong, and an apology -- but it will avert an argument that would've otherwise caused more damage and more pain.

This post originally appeared at PaulPerkins.com.

It's the counterintuitive rule of love. When you act out of pain, you only cause more pain. But when you act out of love, you create more love.

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Paul Perkins writes about living intentionally at PaulPerkins.com. For more of his writing, follow him on Facebook and get a free copy of his eBook, The Art of Creating, about developing your artistic craft.

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