'I'm Obsessed With My Husband's Experience With A Prostitute'
'I'm Obsessed With My Husband's Experience With A Prostitute'
via
Reader Husband Dated Hooker writes,
I am having awful anxiety and obsessive thoughts about my husband's life prior to me. My husband is a wonderful man, amazing step dad, and just "gets me." We have been together for five years, but in the three years previous to that my husband was in a very dark time. He used heroin and other drugs, let a prostitute move in, and did some kind of credit card scam.
I didn't know any of this when we started dating, or it would have been a "hell no" to dating. Over time, he began to tell me trickles of the truth. For example, he still takes suboxone every morning and originally he told me it was for restless leg syndrome, then later he told me that he had used heroin. He told me he knew a prostitute, later that they had lived together and finally that once they had sex.
I dug and questioned and for the most part he always answered truthfully. He has never given me any reason not to trust him. He has never done drugs since we have been together (I am the biggest snoop in the world and every once in awhile I raid everything). He has told me it was a dark time in his life that spiraled out of control.
I believe people can change, but I can't stop obsessing about it.. Not so much the drugs but the prostitute. I saw her pictures and she has these huge fake boobs and this tiny waist and she MUST have been good at sex if people pay her for it.
Once, a long time ago, during an obsessive episode I went in his email and I found one where he called her honey, said he loved her, and said that he wishes she didn't have to prostitute. He also said that he was glad "she slept in the bed last night." He has always told me they were friends who had sex once and it was awful because she had big fake rock hard boobs. I get why he would lie, but I cant stop thinking about it. If I confront him it will cause bad crazy problems. We are married now, so why the hell should I stir it up? But I cant stop thinking about this!
;)
I think we're focusing on the wrong thing here. Your husband slept with a prostitute, yes, and probably more than once (who sleeps with someone that lives with them once?) and yes, she is likely "good at sex" to put it mildly. But here is why your husband lied: because you are the person who would have said "hell no" to dating him if you had originally known about his past. He may well think you'll say hell no now too, if he tells you the truth.
People are always obsessing about exes. Here is a woman who obsesses over her partner's ex being hotter, and here is one who is jealous of an ex WHO IS DEAD. Your husband's ex was a hooker. Oh well. It could be worse. She could have been mean or abusive or one of those people who knows how to make every single thing on Pinterest, or she could have had huge natural boobs and a tiny waist. In the case of the first two things, you would doubt his judgement even more, and with the second two, you'd die of envy.
A hooker is a woman who gets paid for sex. She isn't a monster. But your husband thinks you are a "good girl" and so he has to hide the fact that he was at least temporarily in love with her, or risk losing your love. So what if he loved her? I mean, he was down and out, she was there for him, but overall, isn't it a positive that your husband could love someone no matter what her job was, even if she was a prostitute? He certainly won't be uptight about whatever your sexual history entails, like this judgmental SOB.
Why do you want to know whether he loved her or loved sex with her? If it is to fully know him as a human being, for better or worse, then check your own judgment at the door and ask him about her, and cop to reading the emails. If you just want to feed your obsession and ensure that you're never happy, then that is a different issue, and one which likely means you should start seeing a therapist. Were you ever jealous in relationships before? Are you someone who self-sabotages your chances at happiness? If this is your pattern, then try to get out of this mindset RIGHT NOW before this obsession consumes you and destroys your marriage.
The likeliest story is that he was at least a little bit in love with her, her boobs did feel hard, sex was still awesome (at least what he remembers of it), he felt ashamed of his past squalid lifestyle, is thrilled that now he's with you, he doesn't want to sully your current happy family life with memories of his past, and he certainly doesn't want to make you upset or make you think he's dirty or pathetic, but yes he sometimes thinks about her just like you sometimes think about exes. If you can take a step back and see that this is likely and that this is okay, then congratulations, you may be able to start enjoying your life fully.
Thanks for writing in, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Or She Could Have Been An Animal Hoarder Or Something.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.
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